I’ve just learned that my older sister, who has dementia, has been moved into a nursing home. She lives in another state. I don’t travel any more, but would like to be in touch with her. In the past we’ve talked on the phone, but now I’m not sure what to say to her, or how it will affect her. I’m not sure what she remembers these days, and I don’t want to say anything to upset her. I would appreciate suggestions on how to support her from afar.

It’s so difficult to be far away from loved ones when they aren’t well. Because you’re not sure how much her dementia has progressed, is there any other family member, or person at the nursing home that you can talk to? It’s hard to predict her response, but I think you should try a phone call to let her know you’re thinking of her.  Keep your expectations low, but hope for the best! Be sure to identify yourself when you call, and then gauge her response. A sister is someone you’ve known your whole life, and childhood memories last longer with dementia than recent ones. The sound of your voice might still be familiar, even more than your face might be, now. If she doesn’t know you, accept that and move on. She might make the connection later in the conversation. Try not to ask too many questions, and avoid asking “do you remember…”. Tell her you’ve been thinking of her. Chat about the weather, or the time of year.  Try sharing a memory you have of her, or your childhood. “You were always a great big sister, looking out for me!” or “I remember fighting with you for the bathroom!” Be willing to go wherever she might take the conversation, even if it doesn’t make sense to you, and don’t be surprised if she cuts it short.  Tell her you love her. It might be best to call in the morning, when she is most rested. Also, don’t forget “snail mail” is still an option for keeping in touch. People enjoy getting letters and cards. Send pictures she’d like, or maybe small packages of treats or little gifts. Even if she’s not clear where they’ve come from, or who you are, she will get some joy from it, and know she is cared for.